Let me back up a minute here. I want every body to know I setup this site with one thing in mind. I wanted to have a place to write that every can read what I have experienced without censorship. What you will find here is the side of XZanthia she is embarrassed about and will do everything to hide, while hurting people.
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11/1/04 - My first meeting
On this evening so long ago I met XZanthia. I had met a couple of girls through a dating service. Then this evening was going to change my life forever. This was my first meeting with XZanthia. She was 25 at the time and claimed to be a rock star. All the girls I met there all had a line but hers was intriguing. The time went fast and we starting talking. I felt a need to help her. I asked her right then if I could have an arrangement with her.
By the time we met again, I was very interested in learning more about her. We would spend hours talking and at least a couple of weekends a month togeather. It was a good arrangement then. What I did not know was she was a expert at using people. I was going to be the next victim of her. Later on I found out that, she was just trying to find a new financial support man, since Paul was taken by Melissa.
It turns out now that she has under the support of a much older male since she was 18.
To be continued...
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9/15/07 - Birth of Nitro-Xman
I started the photography web name and site under the name Nitro-Xman. This is where I wanted to publically show the work I was doing with XZanthia. This is a collection of pictures and images that I took since starting back up my photography. Please take a look.
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5/5/08 - XZanthia posts a very depressed entry on
her myspace blog. For fear of it being lost, I have copied it
into here.
Broken People
Do you ever feel like a totally broken person? Like you have to envelop yourself in professional relationships as to not have any genuine human experiences for the trepidation of the repercussion that could occur? I am not a pessimist, however I am broken. I have been broken, I continue to break. I am aware that less then more the reactions are that of absolute negativity. However, the bad ones are the loudest and may even create space between the good ones in their blast. My main apprehension is not of being hurt myself, but hurting others, and therefore creating a vengeful heart. So I digress. It's not that I don't get hurt, I do, but I heal fast, or I convince myself that I do. Hard to know the true reality, even in ones head.
Since my last love, I have made excuses for every sexual interest to not act, till late. That was 2 years ago. For two years, I have hid. Sharing myself with one friend, who has for years been without conflict. He still is without conflict. However sometimes I would like more comfort. But fear of the unknown rebuilds my wall, each time stronger then previous. Each time it becomes easier to say "no".
As my carnal desire gets replaced with independence and career. I feel happy with this, or do I? Do I convince myself that this is the way I am suppose to live. Alone. We are a pack animal; I can not deny our true nature. But what good is the pack if they steel your food while you sleep? I get pursued constantly; it just makes me wish to hide further. Where did all the gentlemen go? And when I do pick one, will all my male suitors staging as friends simply fall by the way side? For those whom I am there muse, will they cease to create? I feel a lot of responsibility for a number of my friends. I manifest my reality every moment; I am immensely pleased with my path of life. I am truly happy with who I am and where my life is going. If I could lie, or was not so open, even to thousands of strangers on the internet, life would be easier. Any secrets I have, burn a hole in my soul.
I am human, I do have human response. My reasoning for placing such things here in my blog is for one, to hear my self say it as well as to get it out to anyone who cares enough to read and respond. I don't stay down for long, so by the time I post this, I may not want to read the responses, for fear of being brought down again..
Several actions brought these thoughts to the surface. None of which I will list here. The vast array of reasons are circler. The trigger is my take on them.
Well it's back to work so that I don't have any real human interactions. LOL. Soon the reality show Man is coming in to start the interview. I am not one for reality shows. I actually don't like them at all. It is going to be interesting to see what demons of mine they pull out for the public interest. This is one small reason for the flow of emotion in the above statements. It seems here as I look at my entries I have 2 sides, a scientific/spiritual side and a bitchen about people side. LOL.. Well I guess I got to work on that. I suppose that they are the best muses. When I am happy, I am to busy being happy to write, so these feelings are not listed here. When I am learning, I want to share, when I am depressed, I reach out blindly for a shoulder to cry on. Then I regather myself to work again. I'm not depressed, just frustrated at times.. Now is one of those times.. Head up, smile on, time to perform for my public. Wow.. that says a lot.. lol..
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These words are from a horribly confused and mistreated female. I understand this from years of training. It kills me that I am not allowed to help. To those who really care, there are many free support clinic and resources for these feelings and the depression.
Since 2004, I have been told the entire life story several times from her. Even though there has been many conflicts in the story, the basic story contains all the elements of the hurt inner child. 95% of males do not have the empathy for these feelings. Also unless a female has the same hurt inner child from their mistreatings, they may have empathy but will not fully understand.
I believe that this could be a turning point in her life to understand what has happened in the past. Also seeing that she is not alone, but 1 in 3 females have very much the same experiences from the hurt. This posting is a calling out for help, which can only be given by a professional, Not myself. I can and will facilitate it when she asks for it and will accept my help.
I will be posting many professional documents and studies to help XZanthia and all other females faced with the same.
Thats it for now. I am always available to help with these issues.
Ty==================================================
Patrick Carnes